Mommy Blogs

As a mama, I don’t often get to my blogs., Mama-hood has however,  helped me to discover new blogs. My current favorite is mamapundit. Her son passed away several months ago and this will be her first Christmas without him. As I was reading the Christmas, I began to cry. I thought to myself, “I’m not much of a crier, but this is super sucky.”

But I was wrong. I’ve become much more of a crier. It started during pregnancy. I’d cry at the drop of a hat. I cried during ESPN. Some show would talk about some hard-working, tall, basketball player who overcame hardship and I’d be done. Husband would look at me like Tom Hanks in League of Their own and exclaim, “There’s no crying for ESPN!” When I was a kid, I wasn’t a crier. I don’t think I saw other people’s issues as my issues. I wasn’t a monster, but when Jack died in Titanic, I was not the blubbering mess my friend became.

Life is different now. As I’ve gotten older, and experienced more difficulties, I can really identify with the pain others are feeling. Katie Granju lost her son. I can think of nothing worse than losing a child. I don’t know how she’s doing it, but my heart goes out to her and she’s in my prayers. Having a child makes you so very, very vulnerable. I tear up when the baby cries sometimes. I want to bash my head against the wall when he wails. It’s easy to see yourself as being invincible, but with a child you become super vincible.  I can sneeze and cough and it’s no big deal. So what? The baby has a runny nose? Ugh. I’m undone. I now understand why my mother freaked out when I got sick. I just want my son to feel better. Now I’ve got this small person who can get hurt. I could lose my son. This scares the bajeezes out of me. Kids get hit by cars. They choke. There but for the grace of God…

That’s not even counting when he gets older and wants to go places without me or his Dad. To parties. With drugs. With decisions to make. Motherhood has made me stronger, but it’s also made me weaker. I am so aware of how fleeting life is now. I will not be around forever. Dying would not only mean the loss of me (which would suck) but orphaning my child as well. I don’t want to be over-protective, so somehow, I’ve got to give him (age appropriate) space and let go of a little bit at a time, so he can become an independent adult. I’m not sure how I’m going to do this. Luckily, there’s got to be a blog for that.

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