Back to Work

It’s here. I go back to work tomorrow. I hate it. I tear up everytime I think about it. How am I going to leave the baby ALL DAY? We’ve never been separated for more than 3 hours. (I got my hair done.)

Right now, I’m hiding out in my room while he’s with his new nanny. I don’t want him to wake up tomorrow with a stranger, so this is the second time he’s been with her while I’m still around. She’s god with him. This makes me feel somewhat better.

I am still dreading tomorrow. I like my job. I do. I just like my son So. Much. More.  It’s hard to hear him cry and not go get him. But, I won’t be here tomorrow to comfort him during the day, so I have to let her handle it. It’s torturous.

He’s so little. Will he understand that I’m coming back? Will this hamper his ability to form relationships? Sure, moms are there for you for a few months, but then they leave. Will this be his narrative?

He is crying right now. It’s like bamboo being shoved under my fingernails. I can’t.

So…10 minutes later and I’m back. I went out. So sue me. He needed to eat. He won’t take a bottle. He took them when he was 2-3 months, but we didn’t offer them for a while and apparently he’s either forgotten them or hates them. We’ve been offering bottles the the internet says, but no go. We tried to offer solid food to get him through the day when I’m working, but he’s not having that either.

So my kid is just going to be hungry during the day. Great. Good job, Mom. Now only is he abandoned, but he’s starving. We’re going to try to put a t-shirt of mine next to him the next time he gets a bottle and see how that works. Now that he’s fed, he’s happily playing in the living room.

Where am I going to pump tomorrow?  Will it be enough milk? I have some frozen, but I’m still worried. When both husband and I are gone during the day, will be fight over the baby at night? Thank God I’m only going back part-time. Even that tough, I feel bad. Guilty. A year would be better. A friend of mine said that it’s good for babies to get used to other people though. This is what’s keeping me going. I’m being a good parent by leaving.  He will have someone else to like him and take care of him. His horizons are broadening. It’s not like he’ll forget me. I’m still his mom. There will still be plenty of bonding time over the weekend. His nanny will not throw him. I will not spend tomorrow crying. God, this blows.

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