Toddler Intelligence

Toddlers are smart. It’s like they have a built in mechanism to push your but so far before they get all cute and you get all melty. Babies are automatically, evolutionarily cute. Who is going to eat something with such big eyes? But Toddlers? A wolf would eat one of those no problem. So, in defense, toddlers got smarter.

Let’s say, for example, you’re a toddler showering with your mom. It’s relaxing, it’s fun, you like the water. Let’s say she decides, without consulting you, that the shower is over. You, of course, are livid. You lash out. You, duh, try to scratch her face. You are thwarted beause clever Mama has clipped your nails. This infuriates you. You demand to be put down. Now Mama has wrapped you oh-so-lovingly in a towel, but you are not to be appeased. You thrash and howl and demand to. Be. Put. Down. Now! You want to slip and slide on the shower floor. That’s exciting. Sure, you might fall and crack your head open , but safety is for babies. Eff that noise! Again, your attempts at a good time are rebuffed and she only puts you down on the bath mat. You gave her little choice with your slippery little body trying to throw yourself head first out of her arms. Meanwhile, she’s naked and freezing, cause far be it for her to wrap up in a towel when you aren’t dressed yet.

(She could’ve taken the time to put on underwear, but last time she did that you peed on the floor. You didn’t think it was a big deal yourself, but she no puts on her underwear before she puts on your “underwear.”)

Phew! Finally you are down. You wriggle out of your towel and walk around a bit. You try to spin the toilet paper out of control in that special way you do, but Mama, the fun killer, picks you up and begins to put a diaper on you. What?! Diaper? When you could be walking around flapping in the breeze? No thank you, Captain Never lets Me Do Anything Awesome. So you kick and moan and make her life miserable. Not cause you don’t love her, you do, but come on, naked time is so great! Why is she ruining it? Then you look at her. She’s about to lose her mind. She’s breathing all crazy and her mouth is pursed into a weird straight line. May-Day! May-Day!

Luckily, you’re a toddler and at some training school or innate sense of danger managemaent has taught you how to deal with this situation. You smile. You stop your devilish squirming and reach your wee little hands out to her. You snuggle in and ask for Babas. You two lay on the bed and you nurse. The food is delicious, (all that mischief, who wouldn’t be famished?) and you are a bit tired. Mommy calms down instantly and you snuggle in like a champ. Crisis averted.


See? Toddlers are geniuses. Nursing release calming, happy, loving hormones that prevent crazy actions you’d regret later. It puts toddlers to sleep. And they are still so very cute. And they can hug you back now. And their smiles? Melty. Just in the nick of time, they stave off impending doom with teh cute. Thank God they are to small to run for office.


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